Hopeful

It's been some time.

Just an update.

Life's been so hectic and restless that I find no inspiration or anything to grunt about. Maybe after some certain restful sessions that I would be able to groan on something. Anyhow, am watching and downloading movies that U.S. has released but M'sia not.

Till next time!

Note: Am still hopeful!

Monday Grunts

Have been trying to study for about 40minutes! But my brain is just too worn out today. It has been a not-too-good Monday. Well, things are messy and hectic in the office these few days with everything rolling out and stuffs. Anyhow, am gonna try to continue tomorrow. I mean both work and studies! I actually have to reach office by 7.30am to have breakfast with a colleague and then finish up our work. Studies shouldn't be much of a hassle as this is meant to be progressive. But still, got to do it! Funny, I kinda welcome studying (I hope it lasts) as it carries a small essence of youth that I've left since I graduated. Anyhow, studying alone is still different from studying together-gether with folks from Corn-Field. At least I get some (maybe too much) stress-relief moments. Plus laughing along with everyone bout something as stupid as silly as a seahorse is the best right! Haven't got a good laugh for ages now. Everyone's just too busy. Will try to think of something wacky in due times (most probably when I'm bout to burst).

Though seriously, I find myself having more focus ever since I came back to KL. Not in everything. But since I just mentioned studies, the focus did went up more. Kinda getting back the feel of handling exam pressure from old times. Mostly because of KL essence that I'm more comfortable with. Though I'm kinda losing more and more focus in working out and exercising (which I will get back to schedule starting this weekend).

This weekend is something to look forward to. With next Monday being a public holiday and Sunday, Sunday! Gonna go to Kuala Selangor to have seafood with a bunch of people from the neighborhood. Dad's friends and their families. Anyhow, at least some traveling would do me good. That's why I'm gonna slog myself to end this week as soon as possible!

On a side note, I really wanna try our Euphoria in Ministry of Sound. Audrey said to go on Thursday but most probably I can't! Work on Friday (I wanna get high)! Plus, I already have a not-to-be-missed food appointment for dinner! So, please make it on Friday! The chances of me able to go would go up by a minimal of 1%!

Anyway, post ends here. I wanna go listen to some oldies and read up Thirteenth Tale (Michelle! You should be proud! This is my 3rd reading. Damn addictive. Actually so does any other novels I read but you should).

P.S.: Wilson, my reply on MSN was a lie! Cheers!

This is dumb. Two posts in less than 30minutes.

But the thing is,

I need to dance!!!

I need to club!!!

All those nigger beats are getting into me!!!

Purpose

We grow up. From the days when we were still sucking onto our milk-bottle till today or even the future. Anyway, the point is we grow up. All these years of growing up and learning are actually a way for us to sew on what is it that we want to do. As the title said, our purpose.

The beginning or the early years that we had, all and all accumulating in their own sort of patterns and distributions for us to know what we want to do for ourselves, for our future. And by now, most people would already have a rough idea on their lives' purpose while some might even already known of it ages ago and are already half-way into achieving it. However, knowing or not knowing our purpose now, it is after being heavily influenced by our environment. It might help or it might close an eye not lending you a hand. I'll have to put it in such ways that most of the time, only the determined ones are able to receive the lending loan needed.

As for I myself, the lending hand has not reached me yet. I do not blame. As, even now, I'm still unaware of my own purpose. Would I want to set my purpose as to bring up my career to as far and as successful as possible? Would I want to set my purpose in other fames that I might be interested on? Would I set my purpose to just live day by day, minutes by minutes and of course every moment counts?

My inner-self is telling me, living on day by day on a regular routine would not get me satisfaction. My inner-self claims putting in some beats into my regular world would definitely brighten up my mundane world. My conscious tells me that I should live on as simple and as attentive as possible while cherishing every moment to build a proper and stable life. My conscious tells me too that in the world nowadays, being successful would definitely gives me the feeling of euphoria. What is success? For me, it's just being and doing better today than yesterday. My heart tells me that being happy for yourself is a success. The question comes back every time then, which way is what?

The feeling of purpose-less really does take its toll on people or at least for me. Knowing what I want to do would definitely make me feel better. Not knowing takes away the energy from me. Heartless to do, clueless on myself, drive-less to be happy.

I've known the happiness and the great feeling of having a purpose or at least know what to do before. I could only say that those times were the 2 years where I did my college. I have control of my desires and walkings. I do have a protocol that I would need to follow of course such as courses that I'll need to take. But at the same time, I was given the call to take up my very own like-able courses. One of the reasons I have loads of funny courses in my list but at least I know I want them. Having or knowing what you want is what I believe that sets you to be happy and to be yourself as what that 2 years in college have done to me. I was myself.

Lost Control

I woke up this morning~ duhhh!

I woke up this morning feeling weird (not those stickiness issue weird of course). I tried recalling my sleeping memories and came into the conclusion that I have indeed lost my special ability. I asked myself, "How could that happen? Now I won't get any special attentions anymore!"

Guess what my special ability is. It's the ability to control my dreams. I can actually at times control what I want to dream and how I want it to be! Shocked? Well, I don't suppose so as there are quite a few people whom I know that can accomplish this too. I still remember though from my Psychology class with Mrs. Singh (she's damn cool!) that there are people that can control their dreams and I was one of the 2 in the class that actually could (the other was Sin). She even asked us to describe how we control our dreams.

Here is how I used to do it!

When I was still a kid, I usually create dreams that I want. Usually it's from events that happen on the day that I don't find it having a good continuation or conclusion. So therefore, I dream! It's like entering into a player set and I'll be like I wanna dream this. And there it goes. From the dream I'll walk through from the beginning of the event and watch the plot unfolds. When I reach the part that I'll need to decide which course of plot to go on, I'll choose and if I don't like it, rewind and play another set of course! Rewind as much as I want to change the plot! The only thing I can't do is fast forward. So everything goes on real-time.

As I grew older, I was like, I'll drop the idea of creating my own dreams and let it happen in randomness. I'll only do the course changes and enjoy. So, if I'm dreaming of a random event or scene, I'll just let it happen and enjoy until I'm asked to decide how to continue. The same applies. Plus, when I come to parts that I really like, I'll just keep on replaying that part while sacrificing the answer to the ending.

Anyhow, I was having loads of dreams last night and there was one that was exciting and funny too. But somehow, as much as I wanted, I can't control the course or rewind anymore. Everything has taken its own gear. Damn!

Does this kind of control goes away with age (because we lose control to so many things as we grow older)?

*pondering ( ? .?)

Dedicated to booze

Where has it gone to?

Those night where we can just get booze in the house and savor it till our hearts content or till pissed drunk...

Seriously, such nights are in need!

Damn! I miss chilling and drinking sessions!

Nights!

A letter to someone

To someone,

I'm not sure who you are while you might be wondering who wrote this. Bear with me, as you read through the scripture written by someone of no importance.

I have left your port. A port where I have been anchoring my ship for a long time. Since as long as the kids down the street can remember. Since as long as I found this wonderful port. I set sailed once in awhile though not into a far distance. I return to the port that for me, seemed so much like a comfort nest. You fixed every board that was loosen. You gathered that many children around to listen to my grunts while weeping to my groans. There were times where the sea seemed so harsh to my ship and tore away my sail but coming back to your port makes it all fine again. The white sail changes color every time my ship anchors in as you would bring along your colored clothes to replace it. Times were such that my ship howls on the impossibility of sailing with these clothes but you changed them anyhow and the ship sails just fine.

Many waves have splashed the bay, we do not know how many. It was time for my ship and I to move on across the vast blue wonder. I'm a voyager not a stow-ager. Under the clear conscious of a brightly lit night, I set my white sail and started my long journey once again. Leaving your port that was once a home to me. For my ship, for myself. A place of solace.

Now, in the midst of a starry night, I once again hope that my battered ship is to be mend again by your port. How battered and worn out has it been since my ship sailed. The sea which has never cease to be harsh on my ship has tumbled it upside down and downward up. It is time for my ship to find a port once again. To rest, to be mend, and to be merry. Though I have lost my way to go back to your port.

From,
The writer

Beyond Scandal

What does everyone loves? Scandals! I have nothing to blog about but I feel like writing something just to tell everyone I'm still alive. Maybe as I type, my brain might go dead and I'm just gonna create some scandals for myself or for others! Oh! One of the biggest scandal ever for me. It's been going on for sometime now but I decided to repeat it again just to let some to like "WTF!"

I'm going on single folks!

That's all!

Show me some "Wow!" people!!!

Anyway, I thought of something to talk on. What's better than to talk about other than what my cousin sister suggested not too long ago today. Beyond concert! For those who are either too high class or too "ulu" to not to know who is "Beyond", behold!

Mario! "Qing Ren" wei... Come back sama-sama go la!

I thought they decided to go separate ways sometime ago but seemed like they're holding another concert for me on my homecoming. I haven't been to any of their concerts yet so this is gonna be the first! I do really hope that all 4 of them could sing again. Too bad that can never happen. If you don't know why, Google it!

Anyway, concert's gonna be on October 11th in Genting. Who ever wanna join us to go, do tell me yeah! We'll need to book tickets. So, make sure you confirm betul-betul or you'll still gonna pay even if you're not going! I can use the empty seat for my date then (free!). Haha. . .

Now my brain is really blank! Think I'm gonna retire early tonight.

See ya!

P.S.: To those who are like @.@ bout my earlier scandal, it's true ya know! Jack is having no lust (I think) at the moment now!

Lazy writing

Said I wanted to post something with related to fashion or impression. A minute ago when this page was loading, I thought of just putting in "Screw it!" but now that I have started typing, I feel like crapping some out!

I'm vain. Not to say that I must look good all the time (well, maybe) but I'm somewhere near there. Am not the type of person where I can manage having everyone see my "morning look" when I just got up from my sleep. I don't go around getting the latest trend and branded (maybe a few here and there) stuffs but whatever I get, I do hope that it looks good on me so that it gives people a somewhat "OK" impression on me especially people that I mingled with.

The truth is, this apply to every single person who wears clothes. What we wear will have an effect on the others around us. We wear to portray our individual esteems. Should I mix with the "lala" which is very popular in certain part of KL, then my clothings will of course focus more on the Eastern block. If I'm off the simple casual group, my clothings would of course be simple and casual (duh...). What I'm trying to say is, we wear certain styles so that we can portray who we are and who we are with. Not to forget, it also enables us to be different from the rest of the world. There's bound to be different. Maybe in the tops we're wearing, the pants, the shoes or even the underwear!

No doubt, it's good that we wear to show we are and where are we but never go overboard! We dress to leave a vague impression on ourselves to others. We do not dress to leave a permanent impression to others. Our good buddy, Gautama said, "Always follow the middle path! Don't go either ends! If there's something in the middle path, walk through it and you'll start shining brightly like a superstar just like me." Anyway, the thing is, we (or maybe just me) judge people through first impressions a lot of the time. Should this person's first impression is bad, try all he/she wants but we wouldn't accept it. Should it be good, we'll wait till it's bad. It's just that! Usually, first impression starts from the eyes. Our eyes are in front of our big, empty head which let us to see first. The first thing that we "see" of people is their dressings! That's where we start our biased judgment on everyone. By the time that person starts talking or mixing around with us, it is like an appeal session of impressions going on by using our ears, nose, mouth, and brain. However, what we see first already left a strong impression on a person. If our first impression of the fellow is bad and we don't know him/her, then there's no way for an appeal.

Wanted to crap more but very lazy already! Until more!

See ya people!

My job

Wow! I'm back to bitch more about myself! I'm too full of myself lately! Haha! I don't know why so don't ask!

Anyway, today I'm gonna talk about my job! JOB people! Yes! I'm working!

Started for nearly a week now. So fast and it's Friday already. Still can't get use to the waking up early though. Feels super cranky.

So, some description of my job. I'm an actuarial executive for now with an income of RM**** per month while expecting a salary increase in 2 months time. Yay! In the actuarial department, I'm under the Product Development team where by we manage the products of the company (will describe more of it when I'm more familiar with layman's term). I did the same job when I was doing my intern in Prudential a year ago (they didn't want to hire me back I think. Poor me!) whereby I did loads of product error and quotation program error checking. These few days I've been doing the same thing! You can say that I just love to find fault with everything. Can't sit around quietly and comply with the order. Besides being a find-fault type of person, I had a few general tasks (not photocopying stuffs. Thank god!) that is to do with technical calculations regarding some new and old products! I'm only describing what I did so far in brief as I don't want to make everyone to fall asleep!

Now! For the funnier part! A year ago, while I was doing my intern, I mentioned I was in the Product Development team as well. The thing is, although I was in that team, I was assigned to sit in a different place! My cube was situated with the Branding team which was like 2 rows of cubicles away! I'm an outcast! Damn! Back to reality and present time, the same thing happened! Although not as far as last time, I still sit differently from the rest of my team! People just hate me sitting next to them huh?! I actually sit across my current team but the area I'm in actually belongs to the non-actuarial part. I think it's something to do with claims. Not that I discriminate them but because I'm still new which makes me not to listen to any mp3s for now, I've been listening to investigations and confirmations bout claims made! Not sure what I'm talking about? I'm saying I'm listening to, "Siapa mati la? Kaki patah la. Cancer apa la?". Practically all the dreadful stuffs. Luckily I haven't gotten any nightmares yet!

Yet another "history repeats itself" sorta stuff is I was frequently exchanged into other teams during my intern sessions. I was transfered to the Finance for awhile, then to the pricing or valuation team (not too sure) for another period of time. And now, my GM called me into his room yesterday telling and apologizing to me saying that although during the interview he said he's gonna put me in the Product team but he'll need to change me to the Pricing team in 1-2 months time. This is because one of our colleague is leaving which leaves an empty spot in the pricing team. Seeing that I'm new (I'm not sure) and haven't really enter into a comfort zone for the Product team,I'm the best choice to replace him. He mentioned to me that he'll leave me under the guy (who's gonna leave) for him to teach me the necessary stuffs for his position. Not that I hate it to be transferred (I actually kinda like the Pricing team because somewhere in the word pricing, there's a tinge of coolness in it), but don't you all get the idea of me getting thrown around like a rugby ball? Anyway, hooray for me to be changed into a cool team (I think).

I mentioned in my last post that I have a new look and loads have been wondering how I look like. Like I said, I don't have any new pictures to post for now because my photographer has been busy to take a picture for me. Be patient ya! I know everyone's dying to see my good looking me!

Speaking of being vain here, I think I'm gonna write up on style and impression in my next post. Yee Ming had written something about these and has gotten quite a huge feedback from it. So, I'm just gonna hop along his footsteps and talk something related to it. Not that I'll follow exactly but something near there. Just wanna speak out what I think!

That's all the bitching from today!

See ya!

Mixed feelings

Hey y'all! How's it going? Been pretty quiet around here don't you think! Well, except for the previous post's comments which were surprisingly unexpected! I guess my readers here love reading me bitching about others and me posing pictures of myself huh... Now I know!

Well, that's the main course for tonight. Guess what? I changed my looks! I've become much better looking as compared to the last pictures in the previous post. ( ^---^) How should I put it? I looked aged a little more now with this look at the same time keeping my smiley look! And I didn't say these out of my own mouth! My colleague just told me today someone said I'm good looking! ( ^---^)

Actually, the truth is, I didn't change my looks my having a make-over or what. I just changed my spectacles that's all! Haha... What were you all thinking?! I'll post up some pictures taken from my phone of my new spectacles but no picture of myself yet. Waiting for my photographer to take for me! Haha...

Guess how would your author looks in these? More like an author duhhh

I think I'm having the (how should I put it) mature and mysterious look now! But I'm still young at heart! Haha! I'm just so full of myself today! ( ^3^)

Another picture that I wanted to post today is the "assam gai choy" that I had the other day! Sorry Rain! It's all finished! Didn't leave any for you at all! Haha... When you come back, I'll ask my mom to TRY and cook for you. Haha! No promise though! Mom might be too busy for my SNOW White MAYBE~

Your author was too engrossed in this dish that he forgotten to take a picture of it before eating! This is half way!

Readers! You all know of Jay Chou's "Secret" the movie don't you all! Well, my Setapak Kaki being a obsessed fan of course would know! Anyway, this is not about the log-headed guy but about the lead actress in the movie! The one with the asthma so sick that she would have a hard time kissing (damn it!). Remember? She's kinda cute ain't she? The point I'm trying to pin out is, recently I met someone who looked like her! Not 100% of course but somewhere of confidence level of 4-sigma. Goodness! I didn't really realize that until later. Ouch! Oh well, just thought of sharing info with the guys (especially those who are desperate). Anyone interested, tell me! I'll try my best to intro!

The title of today's post is "Mixed Feelings". Got the idea from one of old novels called "Mixed Magic". From what you have read up until now in this post, I seemed pretty happy. Yes, I am! But at the same time, I'm feeling kinda drained out and empty. Maybe it's because I have started my job and am not use to waking up in the wee hours again! This makes me cranky every morning! Even before I wake up I feel that. It's gonna take some time before I stop cursing under my breath, "I'm gonna sleep through it!"

Empty? Why empty? Well, with everything now at a new turning point, things have just seemed so routine-sort! This slot of time to that slot of time is this, later is that! This is so unreal! In life, in my life, there's gotta be some stereo in some part! Not too often, don't be so mono daily. Oh well, maybe it's just the beginning (I certainly hope so). Maybe after I grasp my own life back more then I would be able to move my own rhythm . Some might be wondering, what mono and stereo is he talking about? Well, for those readers who are my friends and who knows me, you are in for a surprise! An example would be, I've come back for so long but I haven't even yum cha till late at night or clubbing yet! This is sick!

Mind you! I haven't been going out much too even before my job started! Been busy with studying for exam and following what my guilt-conscious says in sitting still at home (I can tell you this has really been a difficult part). Plus like I said, everyone's busy in their own things. Anyway, I must start to be "active" more or I'll go nuts!

Oh! For those in the U.S., there is something that I really missed in U.S.! Surprised? Haha... Me too! Well, the thing I missed most is spontaneous we get and just do it! Like thought of going to the movies and just go! Like the thought of just going out in a particular night and everyone just tags along. It's pretty hard to do it here (for me). Well, yeah!

Like I told most of the people I know, "Without friends, Jack is more or less like a soulless body!" I just love to hang out and talk like a chicken buttock (what sorta phrase is that? Chicken buttock! *Snort). Tonight is gonna be one of those nights for me where you listen to some ballads and oldies, thinking of nothingness or life or anything that pops into your mind first. Had loads of those nights in the U.S. too, most of the time is because Michelle sent her A-Idol's dubbed old songs to me which made me just wanna listen to the BETTER, original singers. Anyway, my all time favourite sappy song is "Careless Whisper" by none other than George Micheal!

Enjoy folks!

Wanted!

The aroma of my mom's "Asam Gai-choy" is starting to fill up the entire house. How long have I not eaten this dish? Probably a year! Just how much I love this sourly spicy dish? Only those who have eaten with me when this dish is here knows. Meaning, family members would definitely know! This is the ultimate! Can't wait for tomorrow's dinner. I just hope that my bosses don't give me anything on my second day of work!

Oh! I bet lots of you are missing me and wondering how am I. So here's a picture which was taken not too long ago!

I'm not sure when the photographer stole this shot of mine but it does look pretty good (maybe I'm just too good looking). Anyway, that was how I looked like 2 weeks ago! Wearing my Nike hood which Mario has one too! Different color though!

Back to grunting, I just realized this not too long ago (somewhere around this week), it's so lonely in Wangsa Maju area nowadays! Goodness! The only people left here who are free nowadays are either Aaron or David! Well, there are others who stays nearby in Section 4 or Rampai but they're just too busy! Is this what they called everyone moving on with their own lives? Can't we have some fun some of the time? Though the blame would still goes to people who left Wangsa Maju area! Let's see...

Yee Ming aka Eming left to HUKM in Cheras. Most of the time he's there delivering babies. He does come back here during the weekends but unlike ancients ago, Eming must now dedicate his time properly between his family (his mom and dad) and his another family (girlfriend). So, what's left would be better for him to just rest and chill out! Being a wa-lui-sei myself and also friends of mine are typically the same kind, can't blame you too much. Nevertheless, I'm still writing this out so that you might feel guilty (should you feel like it laaa).

Wei Yee aka Audrey moved on to stay in Taman Desa! Family reasons, I understand. But that's just too far and "mafan" away! Plus I doubt she will ever come back and visit again! Most of the time I assume would be me going to her area! Another version of her tortures on the poor writer aka ME! It was Thursday on that day and I suddenly thought of going to the night market. I was like, "Hey, I feel like going to pasar malam tonight! I'll call and ask if Wei Yee wants to go?" My mom gave me a weird look and I wondered why. As I took the phone and on the verge of pressing the call button, it hit me! "Damn! She doesn't live here anymore!"

Flora aka my dearest blur sister is in Scotland or Belgium or (God knows where) somewhere in Europe. Gosh! She keeps moving around and I'm losing track on her path! Haha. . . She's not really my sister as in blood-related but we have some very weird relation. Anyway, this is the best person to blame! I just love to put the blame on her! I doubt this unfilial sister of mine would be coming back to this lovely country soon or in some further future. She's not the type of people who is really attached to home. Plus, she found some "happiness" in Europe I dare say. Not that it's an irritation for me every time she talks about it but I have a feeling that is her only topic which she is 100% knowledgeable of. Oh well, at least we don't expect to see around the corner!

For those who is like, "Yay! He didn't scold me!", don't be too happy! I'm just not writing out your names because the people mentioned above are the major players in my entertainment book around here. So, major players are those tend to get more bitching from me! Kudos!

Luckily, I found a few new names to put into my log book for filling in my empty and inactive time-slots. Know who you are! Wait till I get my wheels and I'll start floating around hunting for entertainments!

That's all! Back to finishing my Train Man. I'm suppose to read up company policies or something but oh well!

I'm so shy!

Still willing to post although I lost my way!

Pictures courtesy of one of those few newbies in my log book

Tenacity is just not here

Am supposed to blog something tonight but the mood is just not there!

It's something to do with having money!

I hope I get my paycheck soon!

There's so many things to buy!

So many things to do!

So many things to say!

Oh well... Everything can wait!